Sookie Stackhouse

July 27, 2010

Dear Bill

Gran

Bill

I should write in this diary more often. Sometimes, it's like I'm just running through a tunnel and hardly even notice I've moved until the scenery changes suddenly. Drastically. I look at the way I wrote a month ago, two months ago, and it's hard to remember exactly how I came to be standing here, in this very spot. Things aren't the way they were when I left Bon Temps. I'm no longer that person. I said something a little while back, when I was talking to Mitchell, about the fact that I haven't just had Eric's blood. I've had Bill's blood, too. And I think it's different, I think that what Eric did is despicable, and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for that. But if you think about it, Eric's blood already did so much that I wonder, with Bill... I've had his blood many more times. What might that have done to me?

How much of that all was real?

I hate doubting him like this. I hate it, because sometimes I still miss him so much that I don't know what to do with myself. When I was out there in the jungle, I thought about him, the fact that back home I wouldn't even be stuck anywhere like that for ten minutes after dark. It's like there's this hole that's been ripped into my heart and there isn't anything I can do to fill it up. What I'm trying to do is just get used to it. There's no point in hanging my hat just because a man isn't here — what kind of fool would I be to be that attached? A fool in love.

It's been crazy. The island magically swept me away to the dinosaur territory. I saw one with my own eyes, tried to help fend it off. I found Jenny and a man named Rory in short order, so I wasn't alone, and yet at the same time I felt like I was, at times. Like I could've just ended up getting killed out there, and the people I love most — it's ridiculous.

I'm safe now, though. I think I terrified Jason a great deal. Even Mitchell, too. I'm running a fever now and Rory seemed to know that I was coming down with a bit of hypothermia. The weather's getting all lovely again, but I can't even go out so much to enjoy it. All I can do is feel weak and wear the surgical mask I found in the clothes box and hope that I don't get anyone else sick. It was terrifying, though. I don't want to admit to it, but it was. No matter how ridiculous the idea is, there are some people I just want to see again, so that they know that — we don't leave things up in the air in a way that might be later regretted. Probably most by me. Cal is

How can you fight a force so arbitrary and completely untraceable?

Part of me (and the rest is fighting against this impulse like it's the weakest part of myself) wishes Mitchell would just hang on and never let go. Never let me be alone like that again. What I need to figure out is if that's because I want him. I think I do. I know that I really, really like him. I just don't know what it might be beyond that.

Fortunately, he's patient.

Once I get better and out of the clinic, I think I'll get my own place.

May 9th, 2010

Well. Here I am. I'm still not sure where 'here' is in the big picture, but it's kind of an island paradise, and since I've always dreamed of heading to Hawaii one day, I guess I could have a lot more to complain about. I've heard it said that sometimes people come and go on this island, and usually when they come back, they don't ever remember having been here before, so I'm keeping a record in hopes of preventing that from happening. Hopefully, it'll be kept safe somehow — maybe I'll make a note on the cover that it should be given to the bookcase, if and when Sookie Stackhouse ever leaves the island.

I still can't believe all of this is happening.

Jason doesn't remember a thing that's happened since I killed Rene the incident at the graveyard, which I'd happily been able to kind of put into the background with everything else that was going on. Now, though, I'm starting to think about it a lot more, and I don't like it one bit. It's like being on this island puts all of my doubts together in this one big, negative bundle of energy that has my hair standing on end all the time. I worry about Bill, Tara, Sam... and what's worse is that I'm still having dreams the stuff that went on between me and Eric? It's still going on. Sorta.

I just don't have an excuse for it anymore. Which makes it worse, I guess. I feel guilty as all about it. But I'll just keep praying that Bill makes it on the island, somehow.

Because if he does... gosh, I can't even imagine. He'd be able to stay up with me during the day, he'd be able to eat with me. I could start wearing silver jewelry again — not that I've got anything with me other than the Rattrays' chain. Lord, we could even start a family.

But I'm getting way, way ahead of myself. These are only my fantasies, after all. If he really did come, there'd be issues, and in the end I feel like all of us from Bon Temps do want to get home, no matter what kinds of problems might pop up, there. Jason's... he's better off in home field. I'm still trying to get to the bottom of everything he's got to have been up to over the past year without me, but it's taking a while. It always does.

Oh, and of course I need to mention — Buffy and Angel are here. And Spike. And I'm sure there must be others of their group, too, I just... can't really ask without probably seeming like a creep. It's a little weird to be hiding so much from them, the fact that I know about their lives and that they were basically from a television show, in my world. But I think that with everything else that's gone on in their lives, they deserve not to feel trivialized (looked that up in the dictionary) by hearing that they're a source of entertainment for audiences in my world. It's still so neat to get to meet them, though. I wonder what kind of magic allowed that to happen. I wonder what the magic on the island is really being used for. Kind of scary.


Notable people:

Angel: Memory. Knows I dated a vampire.

Buffy: Memory.

Cal: Full name Caliban, but I don't think he likes it — and he shouldn't. Good at pool. Seems like a guy with a lot of secrets, though. Has a sense of humor that reminds me of the guys back home.

Gus: Real sweet, seems kind of clueless when it comes to street smarts, but probably well-read and good with book smarts. Knows when skirts are short and won't hesitate to point that out.

Mitchell: KNOWS. Vampire, kind of lived a similar life as Bill. British, but doesn't like tea. Seems really nice for a vampire, but also seems kinda... what's the word? Worn out? Jaded. Was in love with a human woman named Josie. Need to try to babble a little less around him.

Niko: Has Eric's face, which is really weird. Can't really read him at all. He's kind of... how should I put it? Like a statue. A polite statue with a poker face that he doesn't really want you to see past. And if that's what he wants, I don't really see a reason to fight it. Seems decent enough.

Rahne: KNOWS. Really sweet, also calls herself a mutant. She can could change from human form to wolf and back again. Misses her powers. Could be a good person to keep talking to about my telepathy.

Spike: Memory.

Guy in the orange spandex: Real jerk. Real narcissistic jerk. Misogynist. Stares at my tits and even lower, is completely unapologetic. Struck him on the face; would do so again if he doesn't learn his lesson. At least he didn't hit back, but that's still not saying much for him.


I'll update more as I wrap my head around everything.